Diary - Thursday, 26 February

Every time there’s a decision to make, we analyse the steps, the estimated outcome and consequences, and if we’re not sure about it we timidly go ahead hoping that everything will turn out fine. We worry our ego will get hurt, hope we won’t need to spend time regretting one decision or another, wonder whether we do want what we’ve chosen or if we were really meant for it, afraid our actions will wound us or others fatally.
Some issues ought to be weighed carefully, twice or even more. Others just come out spontaneously without second thoughts or restraints.
However, it’s each and everyone’s duty to reason logic in the way they are used to, learned through years of experience or teachings.

I’ve been thinking lately; lots of worries are storming inside. What kind of things I should leave behind, how those things would affect me psychologically and what would be my next move. A cycle is coming to an end and like all good and bad things in life we need to make room for others. If you have lived the cycle in good spirit, with an open heart and an honest effort, I assume there is nothing to be afraid of. Everything’s linked like a chain; one action leads to another, there are no huge gaps in between. I choose to believe that most of us are good people and faith to one’s self is the strongest weapon one can have.

Yes, bad things happen as well; ugly things translated into misery, with no choice of turning back; foolish mistakes that may cost lives or one’s future; walls, dead ends and one way roads. It’s not easy to comfort one whose life was turned upside down because of a single mistake, misunderstanding, misconception or mis-anything. Neither is to one whose fault was none and still struggling to survive or move on. Yet the strength comes from within whether it’s called love, faith, trust, compassion, beauty or friendship and it’s the kind of remedy we’re looking for.
To some, these paths of discovery may seem extraordinary or weird because their search reaches beyond what’s known to be conventional but there is no question about it, it’s still enviable..

While I was driving on the highway today I was looking at the wet scenery unfolding beside the road and for a moment I was intrigued by the beauty of those surroundings which I -admittedly- often ignore as plain, ordinary, not worthy of noticing. I parked on the side of the road and walked out of my car.

The grey, purple and pale white clouds filled up the sky, signs of an earlier burst of rain. No blue sky, no light and no sun. The fields were full of lively greens and yellows; browns and darker greens from the trees spread here and there along the plain and hillocks. In the background lay a line of creamy white mountaintops forming a crown, shading a gloomy city of fast and messy rhythms full of expedience and competiveness. Even the dark grey dusty road seemed to be special. I asked myself ‘why haven’t you noticed these before’.

When there is too much light, then light prevails. It doesn’t really illuminate - it’s blinding, forcing us to wear sunglasses to protect our eyes. But this lack of light emits light through the colours of nature.
‘I am sure that everything will turn out fine’ I thought. There hasn’t been a time in my life when I had nothing to question or think hard about and to be honest I’m still asking the same cruel ‘why’s’ and ‘how’s’ and ‘what’s’ and ‘if’s’ and so many other questions hanging in mid air, in emptiness and oblivion.
Maybe I should respond to my feelings even if they seem wrong or painful. I should bury my insecurities and hesitations. My decisions will always lead to a better place even if it’s hard to deal with a new beginning or an early end.

Sometimes the head is spinning, the mind is lost in thoughts, stuck and forgotten, trapped in a spider web, incapable to perform even the easiest summation and in the blink of an eye there’s a wireless super fast download that generates electricity. These moments of clarity are heavenly and every time I experience one I’m super amazed.
Yet, I’m afraid to sleep tonight. I’m afraid that if I close my eyes this stream of consciousness will be lost. Will I have this clarity tomorrow or will worries return as if no real answer exists? Will I keep wondering and torture myself?

There is no point to all this, I just wanted to share. You can also park on the highway and share the same thoughts; and if something’s troubling you, let it breathe oxygen by taking a break when everything desperately requires an action.

I still have decisions to make, but I know this was a beautiful break.