Back to where I started!

How do thoughts complete one another?


I was just sitting there most of the day reading and attempting to write, struggling actually, since I have mostly been imagining scenarios, disappointing myself for once again, still keeping my hopes up though and calmly striving to come up with the best work I could.

I became so absorbed that I even forgot to attend a dinner with colleagues. Yet, I have this feeling every passing moment that something will happen to shift my thoughts into a realm of flowing dimensions. I imagine myself walking out in the dark, gazing at the skies and stars for some meaning but with no meaning coming back to me. I actually attempt to get into conversation with nothingness. I search for answers up there but I am hundreds of millions of miles away. Yet, their light is the driving force of my existence. Their cycle is humane. They grow up, they change. Every cycle they complete makes them stronger, more solid and complete. Their completion will probably end up in a Big Bang because perfectionism can only be dysfunctional. They are just out there, shinning their light, overflowing their energies to us and affecting our every thought and action and driving us to lunacy, as we are trying to figure out what the hell we are supposed to do.


Who has ever been considered a perfect being? We are flawed in every sense of our existence.
Could that mean I waste my time fantasising a non-existent world?
It’s non-existent all right because we can’t see it yet. We are blind because we have eyes and eyes limit the truth.
Do I lack realism? Am I dreamer of truth? What if fantasy is the first step towards realism?


I have this notion sometimes that when I go to bed, I will have a prophetic or a symbolic dream signalling what I am supposed to do and I don’t mean this in a general sense. I would love to get answers on how to create my work, expand progress and end up with concrete and essential results. Even when dream appears, I can never give an interpretation to it. I know…I am probably being fooled…taken in by faith and beliefs. All we need to do is work more, try harder. But this is a struggle isn’t it? It’s a war of mind, mental direction and focus; an endless fight to achieve things, anything, to end up with something being rightfully yours. If its acknowledgement that we seek, we first need to acknowledge ourselves but then again what if our own acceptance runs through the eyes of others? I see their stares, I feel their criticism…I turn the other way but eyes are still drilling inside of me, and there is no escape from the world while we are still alive.

I often find my mind stuck, blurred and dark, lost in nothingness. I sit staring at the ceiling, the walls, my PC but nothing comes out. It’s like a constant stubbing in the head. And still nothing happens. It’s like the world exists without me. My analytical mind has nothing to analyse. I can talk for hours but I can only write for two minutes. And I have seen and felt it in the ways of communication. There is the passion, the movement of my hands and body, the stretch of my eyes, piercing others thoughts and feelings and with a sudden flare download ideas, advices and words from heavens. But after that, I don’t remember any of these to document.

What do I expect? Some miracle? Someone to hand me the answers on a silver plate? Ok, some are born with intuitive senses, others with extraordinary talents, with psychic abilities, creative orientation and talent, and others with nothing obvious to take advantage of. We all have the capability to unravel hidden mysteries that entangles power and creativity. Who is going to be the one to help us get it out? Search, study, put effort; manage a life that, who could possibly know where it stands. Decide but being unsure of whether you took the right choice or not. It doesn’t have to be right though, but do we have to experience failure as well? How many attempts do we have in this fucking life and how many years does it take for one to see the results of a choice.

Am I looking for a vertex? Actually I am. It’s a potential, an alternating force, a driving change that could give a meaning or maybe not. Life is meaningful enough on its own. I accept the fact that we are here to learn, to mature as souls and help others to do the same, in any way. To be spiritual in a sense that spirituality is found everywhere. I don’t have to be a monk or a priest to be considered as one. Spirituality lies within the way we perceive things, the way we acknowledge truth, the way we see our true identity in connection with all human beings. I could decide to be a farmer and be the happiest person on earth. But it is not within my nature. So, my point is, finding your bliss. But where, how can it be found? By trying?

And yet, I am complaining about things that really have no answers and if there are, one needs to find them on their own. And still, I can’t understand how my thinking works. It’s circling over and over and never stops at a single spot. And here it goes again; I am back where I started.